Fuck. I'm a mom.

I'm not sure why I decided to revisit my blog but I did. It brought me back to a time in my life where I had very different aspirations. I regret very little in life. I learn more from my mistakes and suffering. Being a host home provider was extremely rewarding but it nearly destroyed me. It scared me shit-less about being a parent... especially a single parent. Those 3.5 years brought me to the conclusion that I didn't want kids. I would be the best auntie to my sisters' and friends' children.

I'm not sure if I'm the best auntie (due to distance) but I do know that I'm being the best mom that I can be.

The fears that I wouldn't be enough are still there but I don't have a choice. I made my choice.

2015: A year of pain and loneliness decimated what was left of what little hope that remained. Fleeting moments of joy teased me, allowing me to hang on. Winter of 2015, I had lost the will to live. I had no intention to kill myself but neither any desire to take care of myself. I knew I needed a change and yet, I was too depressed to dig myself out.

A rough Christmas in Dallas, ended with me engulfed in a book at the airport. I love losing myself in my imagination and escaping in books. Books soften the blow of loneliness but can also encourage isolation. I've spent much of my life reading rather than socializing. If the battery on my Kindle hadn't died, right before hopping on the bus back to Boulder, I would not have made eye contact with my son's father.

Left with a waning phone battery, I sat on the bus, watching the steady stream of people boarding the bus. We locked eyes and he asked to sit next to me. Conversation was effortless. He was thoughtful and sweet. He asked for my number. I gave it. I was lonely and I thought I made a friend. I even told everyone at work the next day about my excitement at making a new friend.

I'm a fucking idiot. I get asked out, maybe once a year... if that. Very few are attracted to me. Even after hanging out all afternoon, I was still surprised when he asked If he could give me a massage. "Ohhhh..." and then it clicked. I like back massages almost as much as I like sex. So I said yes. Cause well, back massages mean sex.

He didn't want kids. He was into open relationships. And I had low standards at this point. I didn't love him but I did care about it. He said he "had a deep need for affection." I'm not an affectionate person and didn't think I was what he or I needed. I tried to end things before they really got going. I told him I needed to figure out how to make myself happy on my own. But he was persistent. And well, did I mention I like sex?

The turn offs began to pile up and I began to hate myself for continuing to hang out with him rather than do other things. A series of events: my 30th birthday, my sister's baby shower, a long conversation with my wifey in NYC, and I decided to break things off and move to the big Apple.  I needed a big change and I was so certain I had found the answer to my unrest. 

Less than one week after my sister's baby shower and telling everyone I didn't want to have kids, I got knocked up. What was intended to be break up sex, turned into lifelong tie sex. The hippie I met on the bus will forever be the father of my son.

At another point, I might divulge all the painful details of that Spring, I just can't right now. I went from telling this poor dude that I was pregnant and planning to have an abortion, to telling him that I was giving up my baby up for adoption, to telling him that I couldn't bare the thought of my baby thinking he wasn't wanted and someone else raising him. I was keeping my baby. Our baby.

Daddy freaked. It took him time. Overtime, he has shown great love for our son. He's still a shit show but he loves our son. And I suppose I love him. I'm not "in love with him". I'm not even sure what being in love with someone even means. What's the difference between being in love and infatuation? Semantics? Is romantic love just the normal variety mixed in with some sex and delusion?

I'm not sure why my conversation with my baby daddy last night upset me so much but it did. He wants me to say "I love you" to him in front of our son. I can do it. But I hate that his insecurities regarding how our son feels about him is driving this. Our son has shown great excitement about his daddy visiting and gets very happy and silly the vast majority of the times we've done our video calls. But Phoenix has said some hurtful things. He can be an asshole (like most toddlers).  "I don't want to talk to you daddy". "You're not my daddy." Granted, those moments are few, but they sting. I get it. Phoenix does that shit with me and my parents all the time. He wants us to be sad when he's sad or angry. It used to sting more.

I know the pain of rejection. I empathize with my son's father. but... BUT, I'm also extremely annoyed. I'm annoyed that he's so fucking sensitive. I'm annoyed that he's asking me to do something as if its my fault that Phoenix has pushed him away a FEW times. Its easier to pretend you don't care and distance yourself from someone, rather than feel rejected. Maybe Phoenix is hurt? Feels abandoned?

My son sees all the other kids get picked up by their fathers. My son has only seen his dad 4 times in person. He's 3 years old. He doesn't know why his dad isn't around. He's asked his dad on video chats if he can play and I can come pick him up at the airport. Because that's where we get Daddy from. Clearly, he wants to play with daddy.

Alas, daddy doesn't know him well. Doesn't know how to play with Phoenix. This past Christmas was unnerving. Daddy freaked out because a toddler had a hard time making up his mind about toys and had a meltdown in the store. He yelled at Phoenix. Demanded we stop at a CBD shop. "What's wrong with him?" He's a toddler. "That's why I avoid the toy aisles. Don't take it personally. Screaming kids blows," I said.

You're an adult. "Grow the fuck up," I wanted to say. He was so upset that he was going to call an Uber to take him back to his hotel. "Fuck you," I wanted to say. My mom gave him a ride. I sure as hell wasn't going to. "Uber your whiny bitch ass back" I wanted to say.

The following day, Phoenix cried at the curb of passenger drop off. He cried, "bring me with you! I'll keep you safe!" Does daddy remember that shit? No. Daddy is perseverating on a toddler's flippant comment, "you're not my daddy." So now I'm going to start saying, "I love you" to Daddy to pacify a 32 year old man baby.

Love. It's a word. I don't mind saying it. I do care about Daniel, Phoenix's dad. But I resent being told to say it to solve a non-existent problem. The last time we called Daniel, Phoenix said, "bye Daddy, I love you." But daddy doesn't remember that. Daddy doesn't remember a lot. And maybe that's a big part of why I'm so perturbed by our conversation.

What it comes down to, is I can't count on Daniel? Arrested development? Too much weed? Mental illness? I've been avoiding talking to him too much because everything he says and does annoys me. I'm struggling to love him and want to, he's a part of my son and a part of my life. So, I'm going to find a way to find compassion. I will do my best to keep him in my son's life.

What I can't do is fix his problems.

But I'm afraid his problems will hurt my son.

Fuck, I'm a mom now. This is the first person in my life that I can't just cut ties with. I hate that.

There's something so cathartic about saying something out loud. But there's something also so nice about writing it down and knowing it probably won't be read. I won't even re-read this. I have an assignment (I've been avoiding) to do on problems in Labor. My labor was not beautiful. It was painful and sad. But the most beautiful thing in my life came from such pain and sadness.

I can endure anything now. Cause Fuck!
I'm a mom.

change is the only constant

I have about 10 blog posts started... My interests are so wide and i've read so much research in the past few years that its hard to write one start to finish when one idea reminds me of another ( I suppose my ADD doesn't help).  Thought I'd give an update though on my personal/professional situation.

In a few weeks I will be moving into a home in Longmont that I am renting to own.  I needed more space because come November, I will be taking on another woman who is developmentally delayed.  Unlike Sarah who will need a good deal of support throughout her life, Kelli has the potential to one day, live on her own.

I'm extremely excited but nervous as well. It took me quite a while to learn the best way to approach certain topics with Sarah and how best to handle her behaviors.  It's amazing how far she has come in a year.  She has lost 45lbs, rarely throws things or runs away, makes healthy choices 99% of the time and enjoys walks by herself several times a week.  I hope that I can help Kelli figure out what diet makes her feel best, reduce her meds (which are a lot!) and potentially get her to a point where she can live on her own.

Just as many of the events in my life have felt right, this too feels like something I need to do.  Most things happen for a reason or can at least teach us something. As much as I hope to help support Kelli and Sarah this next year, I'm sure I will learn plenty from them too.

the saddest circle is a square

My last post was inspired by my increasing curiosity in handedness.  Why are people left-handed and does what influences hand dominance also affect much more?  The sinister tale of southpaws' conclusion is obviously facetious (at least I hope it is painfully obvious).  I wanted to offer a variety of facts but also pick fun and journalists' proclivity to draw sweeping conclusions from research.

A fact I reiterated (maybe too much) was the relatively stable prevalence of lefties in the human population at 10%.  I can't help but be passionately curious about any minority.  Whether the minority be of a different ethnicity/sexuality/hand preference or simply fall under the umbrella label of "different", I am both fascinated and empathetic.

The lefties post was my attempt to illuminate the intricate web of pathologies, speculate on their evolutionary benefits and posit that the effects of genetic, epigentic and environmental deviations of the minorities may be enough to affect the majority.  Have and are humans aware of the minority's influence?  Are the minority not only feared because they are different but because on some level we know the power of a passionate few?  

An article in The Atlantic, "In Defense of Those Left-Handed" posted an Australian youtube video.

"No one makes fun of left-handed people. Think again. When I was in school, there was a left-handed boy named Sue, and everyone would make fun of him. Some gal would giggle, and he'd get red, and some guy'd laugh, and Sue would bust his head. The point is, Sue had issues controlling his anger. At the guy's funeral, Sue went up to the podium to speak, and everyone booed him, even though he was just trying to apologize. It wasn't until years later that we found out Sue had been abused by his parents because of a speech impediment. We should've been nicer to him."

The story isn't entirely true but you get the point.  Most of us can think of own analogous "Sue".  I know who my "Sue" is.  I have always taken pride in defending and supporting the outliers and deviants.  However... a guilt ridden memory from High School reminds me I haven't always acted according to my beliefs and morals.  One day at lunch, just outside of my school, some guys were teasing and throwing things at an awkward and introverted 2nd year senior.  To this day, I am still haunted by not what I did, but what I didn't do.

Last Wednesday at my softball game, players on my team didn't play because of a religious holiday that not long ago, I observed myself. Two years ago, I partook in the Jewish tradition of Yom Kippur, the day of atonement.  I needed to forgive and atone for my embarrassing life-long prejudice.  That scrawny, bearded 2nd year senior with unkempt long hair ... had long red hair.

How did I go from repeatedly asking my mom when I could dye my hair red like Ariel to holding unfair personality generalizations for people with the very hair I used to desire?  My first red-head encounter was Anna.  She was loud and uninhibited (and I thought she was evil), which of course was frowned upon by shy and pensive young bailey.  Experiences throughout my early years only worsened things.   Since college, I have met many wonderful red-hair spectrum individuals, thankfully shattering my shameful stereotypes.  Although observing Yom Kippur years ago allowed me to forgive myself, I still have difficulty admitting my prejudicial past.

While my own personal shame comes from what I didn't do, this post was motivated by what people did do.  I had a conversation tonight that made me sad.  This past spring, I met and gave a ride to a  40 something guy who is developmentally delayed.  I found out today that his old co-workers at the Outback weren't so nice.  It was heartbreaking to hear how they teased and taunted, only fueling the frustration of an insecure individual.  His frustrated responses likely supplied more fuel to the fire, more things to poke fun at.  Chris ended up leaving Outback in large part, due to the bullying.

My whole life, people have called me "weird".  Not weird like freak or in a mean way.  Weird in a goofy and eccentric way.  Lord knows, I had plenty for people to make fun of and to this day, I'm not entirely sure why I never was a bully's victim.

A quote I have told often to others and myself is by the wise Dr. Seuss-"be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter, don't mind." Tonight, I told my developmentally delayed friend, that quote.  I hope that he remembers that the next time someone is cruel, that they just don't matter.

Teasing is likely a behavior with more innocent origins in play.  However, teasing a friend or sibling is hardly the same thing as bullying.  Bullying can leave the most beautiful spirits insecure, depressed, angry or bitter.  Kindness or cruelty can mean the difference between a child blossoming or wilting.  

We need different.  

Differences and different thinking promote change in an ever changing world. 

Stagnation destroys us.

Our world's problems are many.  Hopefully one day, bullying won't be one of them.

"Here's to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in the square holes... the ones who see things differently -- they're not fond of rules... You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them, but the only thing you can't do is ignore them because they change things... they push the human race forward, and while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius, because the ones who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world, are the ones who do." - Steve Jobs

I just found out that October is National Anti-Bullying Awareness Month.  

I highly doubt any readers of my blog are bullies but just remember... 

it's often the things we didn't do, that haunt us the most.

the sinister plans of southpaws

Sinister is an English word, commonly associated with evil.  Its roots go way back to the Latin word- sinistra- originally meant "left" but by the classical Latin era, took on the meaning of "evil" or "unlucky".  In addition, there are countless myths and superstitions concerning the left side.
Left foot first out of the bed or getting out of the bed's left side= bad day / bad mood
OR ringing in right ear=someone is praising you. Left side? Someone is cursing you
OR an itchy right palm means you'll receive money. Left side? Sorry, you'll dish out moolah

Poor lefties.  Not only are there numerous negative associations, most things are designed for the common righty, often making things uncomfortable and annoying and even dangerous if dealing with power tools and heavy machinery.

In spite of the prejudices and inconveniences, lefties make up 8-15% of the world's population.
Surely, it can't be all that bad if so many are left or mixed handed?!  
Sadly, being left-handed may have even more problems.  Comoridity has been found between lefties, Schizophrenia, Bipolar Disorder, Autoimmune diseases, Autism and Irritable Bowel syndrome. That's quite a few things that  seem to increase the chances that one is left hand dominant:

1.) A team at Oxford University found that a gene called LRRTM1 seems to increase the chance of being left-handed and may also increase the risk of developing schizophrenia.
2.) Gerschwind and Behan found in the early 80's that there was a higher frequency of immune diseases, migranes and developmental disorders among left-handed individuals.
3.) In 2000, research suggested a link between Inflammatory bowel diseases such as Crohn's disease and Ulcerative colitis and left handedness.
4.) Researchers in 2005, found an association between IBS and left-handedness.
5.) Another 80's study found in albeit a small sample, that 62% of the children diagnosed with infantile autism were left-handed, while only 37% of controls (non-ASD kids) were left-handed (which is still higher than the global average).

People search for patterns. For meaning. Is it possible that the negative associations with the "left" weren't quite so unfounded as one might think.  Perhaps people noticed that individuals who displayed strange behaviors (like that of a developmentally delayed, schizophrenic, or autistic person), were often left-handed.  Its fair to say that people with Crohn's disease, ulcerative colitis, IBS, migranes and other auto-immune diseases would have been viewed as unlucky (see earlier definition for "left").  Perhaps a similar association was noticed between chronic illness and left handedness.

Yet in spite of the prejudices and the psychological/behavioral/physical risks that seem to be more prevalent among lefties, their prevalence has stayed around 10%.  Do we see a relatively stable percentage of south paws because they just might have some awesome advantages?

Well, there are some pretty awesome people who are/were lefties: Barack Obama, Bill Gates, Oprah Winfrey, Babe Ruth, Leonardo da Vinci, Marie Curie, Aristotle, Jimi Hendrix and many more.  Some have found people that are left handed are better at divergent thinking and developing new concepts.  Two of 4 studies results found that men who were left handed had higher divergent thinking scores.

Could there be a neurological explanation for the divergent thinking?  Some have speculated that differences in brain lateralization, the specialization of each hemisphere of the brain, might have something to do with it.  Dr. Stephen Williams was not convinced however.  He only found modest differences- that the left side is dominant for language in righties ~95% of the time but only 70% of the time for lefties.  The remaining 30% are either right dominant or used both.

Hmm... brain lateralization doesn't explain it all.    In the Table below, you can see an increase in % when a parent is a lefty too, supporting a hereditary link.  Both parents being left handed more that doubles the percentage of sons or daughters that are left-handed.  If the mother is the only parent who is left-handed, it increases the % or lefties, especially for sons.

Could androgens be a factor? Remember, it was only the left handed men who had higher scores and also, in general more men are left handed.  The common androgen steroid, testosterone is normally inhibited by cortisol but in the fetus, there is a positive link between the two.  Dr. Obel of Aarhus University studied 834 Danish mothers and discovered that a stressful event (triggering cortisol) during the 3rd trimester, increased more than 3X the chance of the having a mixed-handed child.

In addition to life stressors, autoimmune diseases affect cortisol and testosterone levels.  A higher incidence of autoimmune diseases in left hander's families plus the observation that lefties were even more strongly left handed when they had an immune disease points to the influence of testosterone and cortisol.  The connections between schizophrenia and celiac's disease as well as the link between autoimmune diseases and autism show how many different ways, inflammation may manifest.

Could cortisol and testosterone  be involved in Autism as well? Indeed. Research found that Asperger children may dislike changing their routine because of their difference in cortisol levels.  Another study found that testosterone exposure in the womb increases the likelihood of developing autistic traits.
Recently, an opinion article in The New York Times discussed the link between immunity and autism disorders.  One of the most striking things I read was her mention of a Danish study of almost 700,000 births over a decade.  A mother with rheumatoid arthritis increased a child's risk of autism by 80 percent and a mother with celiac disease increased the child's risk 350 percent. Another study found that gene variants seen in those with autoimmune diseases, also increased the risk of autism... again, especially when found in... the mother.

Let's dig even deeper and see what might genetically lay at the heart of inflammation.  The Major histocompatibility complex (MHC) is on the short arm of Chromosome 6 and has been extensively studied because of the many variants at this genetic locus in autoimmune, infectious and inflammatory diseases.  Identifying the disease causing variants within the MHC is difficult given the variability (classical class I- HLA-A, -B, -C and classical II- HLA-DRB1, -DQA1, -DQB1 and classical III).  Research has found some interesting overlaps between the variations in genes involving immunity and Ulcerative colitis (UC), Celiac's Disease (CD), Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA), Lupus (SLE), Type I Diabetes (T1D), and Multiple Sclerosis (MS). 

 (Figure 3) Defining the Role of the MHC in Autoimmunity: A Review and Pooled Analysis. 

Studies on Asian and European populations found that variations in immunity(MHC) were also involved in schizophrenia and bipolar disorder.   MHC associations have been with the null allele C4B of class III and Autism.  I can't help but wonder if associations could be found between handedness and MHC.  Wondering for now is moot.  We need to know more about the implications of the MHC variations.

What a tangled web we weave or rather, what a big fucking mess. We know genes may make us more vulnerable and environmental factors such as pathogens, societal norms, diet, and stressors, play a role in mood disorders, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, autoimmune diseases, autism and handedness.

But why should we strive to understand not just how things work but why things happen?
Increased awareness, testing or social acceptance doesn't entirely account for the growing numbers of Autoimmunity, Autism and Left handedness .   With medical expenses soaring, certainly more research into the epidemiology and etiology of these immunity related diseases is warranted.

Back to just the southpaws.  Variations in handedness may be more than just an example of evolution promoting diversity and just maybe, southpaws are bigger players in the game called life. We shouldn't be so quick to dismiss the power of the minority's behaviors and attitudes...

What does it take for an idea to spread?  A study found a tipping point.  Only a mere 10% of a population needs to be committed to an idea for it to spread to the entire group.  Recall that roughly 10% of the population is not right handed.  Could those correlates of left handedness to hormones, inflammation, divergent thinking, schizophrenia, autism, autoimmune diseases, mood disorders coalesce into certain beliefs and attitudes that compose more than 10% of the population?

My guess is yes.  And I'd also put my money on that "left" thinkers have influenced social and political changes but to what extent have their perspectives shaped our economy, politics, religion, culture, arts, sciences, fears and hopes?
Here's an interesting lil factoid: Seventy-one percent, 5 of the last 7 presidents have been lefties... including our current president.
Fox News might be right.
Barack Obama probably is pushing his "left" agenda...
left-handed, that is.

So there you have it.  A lot of overlapping research and a lil stretching.  The evidence is clear...


The lefties' evil plot to destroy the world shall commence December 21, 2012.

The incidence of left-handedness: a meta-analysis:

playing god

i remember my first PG-13 movie in theatres.  I was 7 years old and saw Jurassic Park with my dad and cousin.  I was mesmerized (and in parts, quite horrified).  Even then, I was able to take away the lesson that man needs to be careful when screwing around with nature.

“Because the history of evolution is that life escapes all barriers. Life breaks free. Life expands to new territories. Painfully, perhaps even dangerously. But life finds a way.” 
― Michael Crichton, Jurassic Park

Ian Malcolm: From Chaos  by John Larriva & more Jurassic Park inspired art: http://brandonbird.com/jp_show.html

this past spring, i decided to take an online genetics course.  again and again, discussions of ethics came up and  naturally, i resumed thoughts on 'playing god' and of course, jurassic park.

one of the topics that came up was genetic testing for trisomy 21. down syndrome.  if you can prevent it, should you?  many disorders/ diseases aren't so clear cut.  more than likely, you'll hear there is both a genetic and environmental component.  however, more and more research is finding that certain anomalies, SNPs and allele variations may put one at a higher risk for diseases and disorders.  but if you could prevent it... should you?

per usual, Emily Deans, M.D. posted an interesting read on the counter intuitive nature of depression.

Depression- A Deal with the Devil, begins with allele 308A that is associated with an increased risk of depression.  What's curious is that it is also associated with a decreased risk of tuberculosis which would have been quite advantageous before modern medicine.  that allele variant also decreases one's risk for parovirus B19, hepatitis B and for some reason, lowers risk of death when hospitalized when seriously sick.

another area of interest is apolipoproteins.  they are proteins that bind lipids such as fat and cholesterol, forming lipoproteins that then carry the lipids throughout the lymphatic and circulatory systems.  again we find that certain alleles put one both at risk but also at an advantage.  people with the ancestral allele, ApoE4 are more susceptible to Alzheimer's and depression but then instead, are protected against childhood diarrheal illnesses, which were often lethal.  unlike ApoE4, the ApoE2 allele seems to be protective against general inflammation but leaves one more vulnerable to tuberculosis and malaria.

one of the first found genetic correlates with depression and the most studied, are alleles associated with 5HTTLPR.  this gene is what tells cells to make serotonin transporters. any psychology major will tell you, serotonin is kind of a big deal.  we know that serotonin and dopamine are involved in mental health but why people have low/high levels of certain neurotransmitters is the far more interesting question (and more difficult to unravel).

those with one and especially two short alleles are more susceptible to depression after trauma but seem to have a lower risk of dying from SIDs (sudden infant death syndrome).  another interesting tidbit is that those individuals with either 1 or 2 short alleles, respond with more cytokines to stress which would have been adaptive in a pre-modern medicine world when one was wounded/ infected.  it shouldn't be surprising then that in areas where epidemic infections are more common, the short allele is more common among inhabiting populations.

in addition to the sneaky evolutionary benefits of depression Emily Deans, M.D. addressed, creativity has often gone hand in hand with melancholy.  many studies have found an increased rate of bipolar and depressive illnesses in highly creative individuals.  its not really a case of mental illness causing creativity or the creative mind making one prone to mood disorders. its more likely that the genes that influence obsessive tendencies, rumination, abstract thought, etc. that coalesce into creativity, are also what make one more vulnerable to mood and anxiety disorders.

would john nash (a beautiful mind) have had such a beautiful mind without his schizophrenia? perhaps it was the surplus of dopamine that influenced his theories that today are so frequently used in areas such as market economics, computing, evolutionary bio, AI, accounting, politics and military theory.

would actors, artists, comedians and writers be better off without their struggles with mood disorders or is it those struggles that have ultimately make them so damn good at what they do?

what makes us susceptible to one thing, gives us an advantage for another.  in the game of evolution, all that (genetically) matters is being able to survive until reproductive age. what may have been adaptive 100, 1,000, 10,000 or 100,000 years ago may not be quite so beneficial today.  we must be weary when attempting to assign good/bad judgements to traits and genes. genetics has come a long way and has a long way to go yet.

it's not enough to know what genes do.  WHY things happen is the far more important question.  before we even think about playing god and manipulating genes, it's imperative that we understand the evolutionary reasons why we are the way we are.  if we get too hasty, we just might find some unintended consequences.

after all, the road to hell was paved with good intentions.


interesting & FREE read:
The Evolutionary Significance of Depression in Pathogen Host Defense (PATHOS-D)
http://www.nature.com/mp/journal/vaop/ncurrent/pdf/mp20122a.pdf

more info:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_people_with_bipolar_disorder
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Major_depressive_disorder

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Forbes_Nash,_Jr.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/5-HTTLPR

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apolipoprotein
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_people_with_major_depressive_disorder
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unintended_consequences
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18689294

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolutionary-psychiatry/201208/depression-deal-the-devil?

déjà vu

why do we keep making the same mistakes, over and over again?

Cloud Atlas brings up that very same question. Plus, it just looks really awesome. check it out:   http://trailers.apple.com/trailers/wb/cloudatlas/

deja vu- The phenomenon of feeling that an experience or event, has happened before.  This mood of mine has happened before.  Same reason.  Pretty simple: Humans can be selfish lil assholes.

humans.  as much as we would like to view ourselves as rational agents, we are still primarily driven by our animal instincts.  fear of death.  need for food.  desire for sex.  it's often easy for me to be critical of people (checking facebook too often and with the coming election) but i continue to believe... i have to believe that there is more good than bad and that people aren't entirely selfish.

Due to a culmination of things, I've been especially pessimistic.  Is mankind worth saving? type of bullshit.  I hate to admit it but I need this oscillation between pessimism and optimism.  It keeps me balanced and ultimately will make my book feel more real.  There are enough depressing books out there as much as there are happily ever afters.  a good story reflects real life which always has good, bad and my personal favorite, shades of grey (and yes, i read the first book- meh).  

A quick and interesting read, Jonah Lehrer's Imagine, discusses the recent research on creativity.  He comments that, "One of the surprising things that's emerged from the study of moods in recent moods is that putting them in a bad mood — making them a little bit sad or melancholy — comes with some cognitive benefits."  Which really... when you think about it... research recently behind Lehrer's comment, isn't all that surprising.  Think of famous artists, writers and musicians who have made some of their best stuff when they were emotionally at their worst.  Assuming you're not so depressed you can't get out of bed in the morning, why is it that man is more creative when melancholy?  Why doesn't happiness facilitate creativity?!   

Perhaps happiness brings too much contentment and not desire to incite change.  Most of the friendliest people i've met haven't been all that bright and the more intelligent people i've met tend to be more cynical. Discontentment brings the desire to make things better- whether through art, science or social means.  Only problem is when sorrow is too much and one gives up hope on the world.  

I hope to find that happy place between contentment and despair.  First things first, i need to get my diet back on track- no more gluten beers and indulging in dairy.  There's only so much will power can do when the body is out of balance.  I need to be happy enough to function and enjoy the simple pleasures in life but NOT content with how things are. things can always be better.  Instead of losing hope for how things are, i need to regain the passion for change, and believe in the hope that things can be better.  after all, change is the only constant.

“Too much sanity may be madness — and maddest of all: to see life as it is, and not as it should be!” 

-Man of La Mancha

everything happens for a reason

well... maybe not everything but we can most certainly learn from events in the world at large and our own personal experiences- both good and bad.

“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” - Marilyn Monroe

my drive towards a better understanding of the epidemiology of autoimmune disorders and anxiety disorders came from my own painful struggle.  I used to be sooo angry with my biological hand of cards i was dealt.  After a series of seemingly unfortunate events, i was able to truly understand that cliche lemon adage and began to make some mother fucking lemonade.  My struggles have only made me that much more empathetic and passionate about helping others.

A year after graduating with a psych degree, i was depressed and hopeless.  Since graduation, i had continued to work my college job at outback steakhouse and had only had one interview for an actual job job, in the psychology field (didn't get it).  Summer of 2009, I gave my beloved Subaru Forester to my sister to use while on vacation with the rents in North Carolina.  My sister and I were planning on a road trip to Minnesota but on the morning she was to get an oil change, she instead decided to hike a 14er with two friends.  Sadly, a deer ruined their hiking plans, as well as my car.  I wasn't making much money at outback and my living situation fell through so i was finally willing to do what i never thought i could do-
be a secretary.

Thanks to my best friend, I got the hook up for a awesome office in boulder, just a hop away from pearl street.  It was boring and unrewarding work but it rectified my horribly fucked up circadian rhythms from college and being a server.  Money was still tight however, so i worked a second job.  My joint pain got progressively worse and the only way to get through the day was to smoke massive amounts.  I hated working at domino's but knew i couldn't afford my "medicine" if i were to quit.


Years ago when i had asked my doctors about what caused my hypoactive thryroid and Lupus, all they could say was there was both a genetic and environmental component.  That certainly didn't satisfy my curiosity.  I didn't want to rely and prednisone, which only treats the symptoms and i wanted to know WHY certain pathologies develop in the first place!  My grandmother, 30+ years ago went both gluten and casein free and noticed a substantial relief in her rheumatoid arthritis symptoms. I knew that the elimination of those two things could possibly benefit me but i lived on bread and cheese!  i was OBSESSED with pizza (whole wheat english muffin with marinara, spinach and cheese was healthy right?) and taco bell.... mmm.... cheeesey gordita crunch. no beef. sub potatooo.  it was cheap and fast and when working 50-65 hours a week, time is precious.

After 10 months of delivering pizzas, I quit both my job and my habit.

However, without my "medicine", the pain was so bad, most days i limped around like a lil old lady, tightly grasping railings, barely able to make it down the stairs but of course, i was too stubborn to take the elevator.  "I'm a 25yr old boulderite, damnit!"

With pressure from co-workers and a little faith in the universe, i diversified and improved my diet... without the actual funds to do so. Not long after, I was hired on- received a 30% increase in moolah, was no longer a temp and had health benefits! In spite of the reduced financial stress, more sleep and a better diet- i was still in pain.  I began fervently doing research in my free time as a secretary, on the internet. I knew how much better my grandma felt by getting rid of the 2 staples of my diet (gluten & casein) and found countless others who found similar relief. I had suspected what i needed to do but it wasn't until just before my half marathon that i finally did what i needed to do-
I went gluten and casein free.
I was pain free in 2 days.

Needless to say, I was sold on diet for managing autoimmune disorders.  In time, I began to believe that it was diet that mainly influenced (dare i say cause) autoimmune disorders.  Food sensitivities are the hereditary/genetic component and what you eat and how often, is the environmental factor.

By the summer of 2011, I was a different person.  After 6 years of being a pescatarian (vegetarian + fish), I was eating meat again while still carrying the same ethical perspective- animals should be raised and slaughtered humanely.  I was never against eating meat. i just knew i couldn't afford the meat that would have been to my standards.

I had gotten everything i needed from my time as a secretary. That summer, an old acquaintance from my outback days, contacted me.  His girlfriend had a job opening and they remembered from a while back that i volunteer with a girl in foster care... with cerebral palsy.  The job was not what i expected but i knew it was what i needed.  I began training to be a live-in aide for a 28 year old woman with cerebral palsy.  It was a CRAZY transition but this job has been the most rewarding and challenging experience of my life.

A year later and Sarah's "target"(problem) behaviors are rare and when they do, very mild.  I'd like to credit my psychology studies at CU Boulder or perhaps my kind heart but i know the true triumph lies within the change in her diet.

We don't always get what we want but if you keep an open mind, you just might find what you need.