déjà vu

why do we keep making the same mistakes, over and over again?

Cloud Atlas brings up that very same question. Plus, it just looks really awesome. check it out:   http://trailers.apple.com/trailers/wb/cloudatlas/

deja vu- The phenomenon of feeling that an experience or event, has happened before.  This mood of mine has happened before.  Same reason.  Pretty simple: Humans can be selfish lil assholes.

humans.  as much as we would like to view ourselves as rational agents, we are still primarily driven by our animal instincts.  fear of death.  need for food.  desire for sex.  it's often easy for me to be critical of people (checking facebook too often and with the coming election) but i continue to believe... i have to believe that there is more good than bad and that people aren't entirely selfish.

Due to a culmination of things, I've been especially pessimistic.  Is mankind worth saving? type of bullshit.  I hate to admit it but I need this oscillation between pessimism and optimism.  It keeps me balanced and ultimately will make my book feel more real.  There are enough depressing books out there as much as there are happily ever afters.  a good story reflects real life which always has good, bad and my personal favorite, shades of grey (and yes, i read the first book- meh).  

A quick and interesting read, Jonah Lehrer's Imagine, discusses the recent research on creativity.  He comments that, "One of the surprising things that's emerged from the study of moods in recent moods is that putting them in a bad mood — making them a little bit sad or melancholy — comes with some cognitive benefits."  Which really... when you think about it... research recently behind Lehrer's comment, isn't all that surprising.  Think of famous artists, writers and musicians who have made some of their best stuff when they were emotionally at their worst.  Assuming you're not so depressed you can't get out of bed in the morning, why is it that man is more creative when melancholy?  Why doesn't happiness facilitate creativity?!   

Perhaps happiness brings too much contentment and not desire to incite change.  Most of the friendliest people i've met haven't been all that bright and the more intelligent people i've met tend to be more cynical. Discontentment brings the desire to make things better- whether through art, science or social means.  Only problem is when sorrow is too much and one gives up hope on the world.  

I hope to find that happy place between contentment and despair.  First things first, i need to get my diet back on track- no more gluten beers and indulging in dairy.  There's only so much will power can do when the body is out of balance.  I need to be happy enough to function and enjoy the simple pleasures in life but NOT content with how things are. things can always be better.  Instead of losing hope for how things are, i need to regain the passion for change, and believe in the hope that things can be better.  after all, change is the only constant.

“Too much sanity may be madness — and maddest of all: to see life as it is, and not as it should be!” 

-Man of La Mancha

everything happens for a reason

well... maybe not everything but we can most certainly learn from events in the world at large and our own personal experiences- both good and bad.

“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” - Marilyn Monroe

my drive towards a better understanding of the epidemiology of autoimmune disorders and anxiety disorders came from my own painful struggle.  I used to be sooo angry with my biological hand of cards i was dealt.  After a series of seemingly unfortunate events, i was able to truly understand that cliche lemon adage and began to make some mother fucking lemonade.  My struggles have only made me that much more empathetic and passionate about helping others.

A year after graduating with a psych degree, i was depressed and hopeless.  Since graduation, i had continued to work my college job at outback steakhouse and had only had one interview for an actual job job, in the psychology field (didn't get it).  Summer of 2009, I gave my beloved Subaru Forester to my sister to use while on vacation with the rents in North Carolina.  My sister and I were planning on a road trip to Minnesota but on the morning she was to get an oil change, she instead decided to hike a 14er with two friends.  Sadly, a deer ruined their hiking plans, as well as my car.  I wasn't making much money at outback and my living situation fell through so i was finally willing to do what i never thought i could do-
be a secretary.

Thanks to my best friend, I got the hook up for a awesome office in boulder, just a hop away from pearl street.  It was boring and unrewarding work but it rectified my horribly fucked up circadian rhythms from college and being a server.  Money was still tight however, so i worked a second job.  My joint pain got progressively worse and the only way to get through the day was to smoke massive amounts.  I hated working at domino's but knew i couldn't afford my "medicine" if i were to quit.


Years ago when i had asked my doctors about what caused my hypoactive thryroid and Lupus, all they could say was there was both a genetic and environmental component.  That certainly didn't satisfy my curiosity.  I didn't want to rely and prednisone, which only treats the symptoms and i wanted to know WHY certain pathologies develop in the first place!  My grandmother, 30+ years ago went both gluten and casein free and noticed a substantial relief in her rheumatoid arthritis symptoms. I knew that the elimination of those two things could possibly benefit me but i lived on bread and cheese!  i was OBSESSED with pizza (whole wheat english muffin with marinara, spinach and cheese was healthy right?) and taco bell.... mmm.... cheeesey gordita crunch. no beef. sub potatooo.  it was cheap and fast and when working 50-65 hours a week, time is precious.

After 10 months of delivering pizzas, I quit both my job and my habit.

However, without my "medicine", the pain was so bad, most days i limped around like a lil old lady, tightly grasping railings, barely able to make it down the stairs but of course, i was too stubborn to take the elevator.  "I'm a 25yr old boulderite, damnit!"

With pressure from co-workers and a little faith in the universe, i diversified and improved my diet... without the actual funds to do so. Not long after, I was hired on- received a 30% increase in moolah, was no longer a temp and had health benefits! In spite of the reduced financial stress, more sleep and a better diet- i was still in pain.  I began fervently doing research in my free time as a secretary, on the internet. I knew how much better my grandma felt by getting rid of the 2 staples of my diet (gluten & casein) and found countless others who found similar relief. I had suspected what i needed to do but it wasn't until just before my half marathon that i finally did what i needed to do-
I went gluten and casein free.
I was pain free in 2 days.

Needless to say, I was sold on diet for managing autoimmune disorders.  In time, I began to believe that it was diet that mainly influenced (dare i say cause) autoimmune disorders.  Food sensitivities are the hereditary/genetic component and what you eat and how often, is the environmental factor.

By the summer of 2011, I was a different person.  After 6 years of being a pescatarian (vegetarian + fish), I was eating meat again while still carrying the same ethical perspective- animals should be raised and slaughtered humanely.  I was never against eating meat. i just knew i couldn't afford the meat that would have been to my standards.

I had gotten everything i needed from my time as a secretary. That summer, an old acquaintance from my outback days, contacted me.  His girlfriend had a job opening and they remembered from a while back that i volunteer with a girl in foster care... with cerebral palsy.  The job was not what i expected but i knew it was what i needed.  I began training to be a live-in aide for a 28 year old woman with cerebral palsy.  It was a CRAZY transition but this job has been the most rewarding and challenging experience of my life.

A year later and Sarah's "target"(problem) behaviors are rare and when they do, very mild.  I'd like to credit my psychology studies at CU Boulder or perhaps my kind heart but i know the true triumph lies within the change in her diet.

We don't always get what we want but if you keep an open mind, you just might find what you need.